I K A T L O

Ito ay para sa ikatlo.

Ikatlong beses na pagdaan sa ala-alang nakalimutan ko na.

Sa mga damdamin at sakit na naibaon sa gitna ng mga kahapon.

Sa likod ng masasayang bahagharing pinagtagpi-tagpi ng bawat ngiti.

Sa likod ng bawat pag-asang bumuhay sa araw araw na pangungulila.

Babalik pa kaya?

Ito ay para sa ikatlo.

Para sa paulit-ulit kong pagbitaw.

Para sa paulit-ulit kong pagkapit.

Para sa paulit-ulit kong pag-iisip.

Para sa paulit-ulit kong pagtatago.

Ito ay ang ikatlo.

Ang ikatlong taon na okay na.

Ikatlong taong wala na talaga.

Ikatlong beses kong sasabihing tama na.

Dahil sa pangatlo, ako'y napagod na.

Kaya paalam, marahil ito na nga ang dulo.

At wawakasan na ang mga tadhanang kailanma'y di naman nagtagpo.

Mga ala-alang di na rin naman na nadugtungan.

Mga pagkakataong ginusto ko pa rin maghintay pero ayoko na.

Marahil sa ikatlo na nga ang wakas.

Marahil ito na nga ang binulong ng madamot na kapalaran.

Marahil ito ang dulong di na magkakaroon pa ng saysay.

Marahil wala na ngang sagot sa mga tanong na naiwan.

Naubos ang lakas para lumaban.

Maraming sinayang na oras at luha.

Kumapit sa mga dasal na pinanghawakan sa matagal na panahon.

Pero baka nga sa dulo ng ikatlo ok na to.

Bibili muli ako ng mga pagkakataon.

Makikipaglaban kay tadhana na para lang umayon.

Makikipagtawaran hanggang sa mapagbigyan.

Hanggang sa mabawi kita sa abot ng aking makakaya.

Pero kung ang dulo na sadyang mapait

At ang kapit ay hindi na mahigpit.

At hinding-hindi na magbibigay palugit.

Aasa pa rin ako sa mga matyatyagang mga dasal.,

Na patuloy panghahawakan hanggang sa dulo ng ikatlo.

Kaya pa ba? 

Tama na.

Bitaw na.

Okay na.
Napatawad na kita.

E DI KA GRADUATE... (CAPSLOCK PARA INTENSE)

E hindi ka graduate.

Ang sakit no? asing sakit pa sa pagiging heartbroken at eto na rin siguro ang dahilan ng pagiging bitter ko o ako lang ba talaga ang mahilig manliit sa sarili ko? Ito na yata ang pinakamasakit na statement na narining ko araw-araw sa utak ko. Yung feeling na dinudurog at patuloy kang dinidisappoint. Masakit dahil sa hindi ko ma-meet yung standards na binibigay ang mundo. Hindi ako fit-in. Sad story. Period.

Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba talaga ang may ganitong sentimyento o madrama lang ba talaga ako? I'm out of school for almost 7 years. Yes, at sa loob ng maraming taon na yon, paulit-ulit rin akong natotorete sa thought na may opportunity na silang idiscriminate ako. Para silang mga villains sa buhay ko na walang ibang ginagawa kundi ang sabihin o kaya ipamukha sa'yo na di ka bagay dito. Wala kang anumang lisensyang katunayang kaya mong makipagsabayan sa'min.

Minsan, este napakadalas kong hobby na ang mag-self pity. Kung sa bagay, kung i-cocompare ko ang sarili ko versus sa sentiments ng ibang kakilala ko, aba'y nasa normal pa naman ata ako.

Sobrang mahal ko si mommy. Pero sa tuwing sasabihin nyang "Si Bea ay gagraduate na.." nagpapalpitate ako bigla. Hindi naman sa hindi proud yung nanay ko sa kin pero deep inside ko, naiinggit ako. Super! Hahahaha. Pero, I'm a super proud ate. Baka ako yung humagulgol sa graduation ng kapatid ko dahil assuming ako na graduation rites ko yun. Hahahaha! I will always be grateful of having sponsors na sila Tita Lanie at Tito Jun Velasco para maipagpatuloy ng kapatid ko ang naudlot kong pangarap.

May mga pagkakataon pang feeling mo na wala ka na ngang College Diploma, ipaparamdam pa sa'yo ng mga relatives mo yung katotohanang hanggang dyan ka na lang ba talaga. There was a time na sinabi ng isang Tito ko, "Mag-asawa ka na lang ng mayaman baka sakaling may mapuntahan yang kinabukasan mo." and another Tito was like "Wala ka na namang trabaho? Di ka kase mapirme sa trabahong meron ka.." Sige at some part di naman totally masama loob ko sa kanila. Ang sa akin lang maging sensitive po kayo. Sensitive po ako di lang halata. Makakareceive ka nga ng tulong pero siguro yung tira-tirang tulong o sapilitang tulong. Dahil di ka graduate, di ka pwedeng magmayabang sa harap nila. Pektus ang katapat mo. Lalo na sa mga taong tinitingnan mo ng mataas sa bandang dulo sila pa tong magbababa sa'yo. Kesyo mas matanda sila o sadyang sasabihin ng kilos nilang, wala kang alam.

Sa dinami-dami ng natulungan ng mga magulang ko dahil sa sobrang kabaitan nila, natuto lang talaga akong, wag ng umasang maibabalik yung kabaitan na yun. Siguro sa ibang paraang di ko lang talaga maapreciate. Di bale na, ang mahalaga wala tayong utang na loob sa kanila. Pinalaki ka ng magulang mo ng maayos di naman nila sinabing kapag nawala kami, sila magpapatuloy ng pag-aaral mo. Walang kontrata.

Madaming beses ng alam ko sa sarili ko ang mga kaya kong gawin pero bakit habang tumatanda at mas nakikita ko ang mga nakababatang mga henerasyon na mas mataas pa ang nararating kaysa sa kin, di ko maiwasang manghinayang. Parang may kulang. Di ko makuha ang posisyon o trabahong gustong-gusto ko dahil sa isang malaking sign board. DI KA GRADUATE.

Ang masakit doon, pag minsan gusto mo yungtrabaho at meron ka ng lahat-lahat ng skill o kaya mo namang pag-aralan lhat ng kaya nilang gawin, makakarinig ka ng "Ano ngang tinapos mo? o anong course mo?" Dahil nag di ka ka-uri nila, libe na silang ijudge ka base sa kung alam nila sa'yo.

Sa lahat ng katulad kong undergrad o di man lang nakatungtong ng college. Ramdam na ramdam ko kayo. Ramdam na ramdam natin ang takbo ng sistema na meron tayo. Siguro nga di lang talaga ako kasama sa samahan ng mga taong madiskarte. Magkakaroon din tayo ng puwang sa mundong kailanman di natin ginustong di makatapos.

Di ko alam.

Maybe you will get a chance to read this, maybe no. Maybe at that time, I say I'll go. 

Ang daming kwento sa loob ng utak ko ngayon. Mga pawang eksena sa nanlalamig na pusong nilisan. Di ko rin alam bat sa kabila ng pagtitiwala ko sa sarili kong kaya ko na, bumabalik sa idea na, Mahal ko pa sya. Nagpapalpitate na naman ako. Di makahinga noong makita ka kahapon sa gathering ng CFC. Aynako. Walang pupuntahan ang pagsusulat kong ito kundi ang isang thought na, bat nga ba ako yung naiwan? Bakit di kita pinahalagahan? Bakit ka napagod? Bakit gustong magwala ng puso at utak ko sa tuwing makikita ka? Bakit parang gusto kong muli kang magkwento ng lahat ng nagyari sayo buong araw? Bakit gusto kong marinig na gusto mong magpamasahe? Bkit gusto kong makita yung tayo? Bakit ikaw na naman? Bakit ikaw pa rin? Di ba talaga kita pinahalagahan? Saang parte ako nagkulang? Bakit patuloy akong nangangapa sa ideang akin ka? Bakit ayaw ko tumigil? 

Nerve-wracking.

Yes, I know I type it right. Nerve-wracking. Roar!

Yung feeling na parang sasabog ka sa sobrang kaba at di mo ma-explain yung nararamdaman mo dahil after 7 long long years, mag-tatake ka ulit ng College Entrance Exam. Yes, Oo. Magtatake ako. Di pa ako nakakapagreview ng sobrang matino at maayos. Stock knowledge lang ang bitbit ko. So ano? Ready pa ba ako para dito?

Whatever it is, Yes. Ready ako. Naiiyak pa nga ako e. Napapakanta ng Have Your way ng Liveloud.

"So if I fail to bring you praise for love You sent to take my place,
I realize that i could never give enough.
So with a cry from this heart of mine,
I lay it all, I lay this life
Ang I pray Lord, That its Your will not mine"

Tomorrow will be my exam day. Will have some time alone. Mag-ttren tayo para masaya at maiba. Traveling alone in the midst of the expectant people around me. Traveling inspite of all the baggages and worries I have inside. Traveling and taking opportunities despite of the unknown. E pinagkalat ko ng mag-e-exam ako e. (Just wanting to have collective prayers as well. HAHAHAHAHA!) Yung pagkkwentong may halong excitement at conviction na ngayon pa lang e kine-claim ko ng papasa ako! Aabot ako sa quota. Magiging Architect ako in His super perfected time.

I maybe wandering all along sa kabila ng takot at pangamba ng di pagpasa sa unang hakbang ng panibagong desisyong gustong-gusto kong simulan noon pa. I maybe one of those people who wanted to pursue their studies again and again. I am one of those who still wanted to have their diplomas in their hand and waving it in flying colors. I may be sound pathetic as it is, pero, yun talaga ang matagal ko ng goal. 7 years passed, at yun pa rin.

Nakakatakot, Oo. di naman mawawala yun  e. Pero yung paulit-ulit na pinipilit mo pa ring gawin yung gusto ng mundo upang maging fit ka lang sa lahat ng standards nila. Yung paulit-ulit mong haharapin yung opportunity na mag-aral ulit kahit medyo tumatanda ka na. Pasensya na kung pinipilit ko pa rin ang sarili ko sa isang propesyong kaya ko ba talaga? Nakakatakot. Nakakakaba na baka sa unang hakbang pa lang, sablay na agad ako. Baka kung saan lang mapunta ng pagyayabang ko na kaya ko nga ba lahat ng ito? Pero kung di mismo manggagaling sa akin ang confidence para sabihing kaya ko to, kanino pewedeng manggaling?

Ayokong biguin muli ang mga taong patuloy na naniniwala sa thought na pag-asa pa ko. Na kaya ko to! Sisiw, Keribels! Ayokong paulit-ulit paasahin sila lalo na ang sarili ko. Nakakatakot. Nakakakaba. Pero kinakaya.

Lord, here am I again. Praying for this a long long time ago. May You able to grace me with the knowledge and wisdom as I take another leap of faith for my future. May You able to give me the right answers para masagot lahat ng questions. Alam mo naman pong di ako masyadong nakapagprepare ng sobra pero prepared po yung heart ko to give it a try. Lord, kine-claim ko na po agad yung biyayang parating lalo na po para sa exam kong ito. Lord. You know what my heart really desires. You know and I super know that your plans are great, majestic and powerful. Palitan mo po lahat ng takot at kaba na bumabalot sa heart ko.

Indeed Lord. You wanted me to just hold on to Your greater promise ahead. Because, the best is yet to come! Let's get it on!

#PUPEntranceExam2016
#ArchitectInTheMaking
#TiwalaLang

You are but a random now.

Out of all the imagery and thoughts, you are now part of that random.

You are just part of the big maybes. You are that part which I learn to let go. Parte ng parte na lang. I know na di ako magaling sa memorization game. I was not my forte. Pero sa dami ng bagay na masayang kalimutan at masayang balik-balikan, bakit nadun ka sa balik-balikan?

You are that part that says goodbye. You are the innermost wanted thought I've ever been. You are the secret that I don't ever want to expose. Ikaw na naging dahilang ngumiti sa panahong di ko na alam paano ngumiti.

You are that part that always and chooses to stay. You are that memory which gives a print. You are that sweet song that chooses to harmonize as it fades. Ikaw na sadyang di nawawala sa bawat araw. Ikaw na against the feeling na pilit kong pinapasok sa isip ko. Yes, it never leaves. Or maybe I don't want either.

Ugong

"Sa hindi inaaasahang

Pagtatagpo ng mga mundo

May minsan lang na nagdugtong,

Damang dama na ang ugong nito."

 --Tadhana (Up Dharma Down)

Sa pagkakataong ito, tapos na tayo.
Sa pagkakataong ito, magkaiba na ang ating mundo.
Sa pagkakataong ito, di na ako ang kausap mo
Para malaman bawat sabik sa boses mong sadyang kay tamis.

Ibang mundong parang magkalapit,
Magkaibang mundong may dimensyong malupit.
Di ba sa bandang iyon ikaw ay nakatago na,
Di ba sa bandang iyon, ika'y tuluyan naglaho na.

Ikaw ay parte ng kahapong kahit kaila'y di maibaon.
Parte ng bawat sistemang pilit naglalayo.
Parte ng ala-alang puro masasaya,
Sadyang di na tayo makakabalik sa dako roon.

Isang iglap sa bawat araw ako ay natutuliro,
Parang may hanging humahalik at ako'y napapaamo.
Di man wari na ika'y maisip muli,
Pero bakit, bakit at bakit ang tanong na walang tigil.

Ito na muli ang panibagong simula,
Ng mga bagong tadhanang masarap balik-balikan.
Muling gagawa ng mga bagay para sumaya,
Na kahit wala na, tutuloy pa rin ang buhay.

Finding me in reality

Bakit nga ba hindi ako ng-Engineer o Accountant o any matinong trabaho kaysa sa Tourism? Ngayon ko lang naisip after 10 years na medyo walang kwenta pala yung pinili kong course nung college! I’ve been disappointing myself all over again and again. Yung inggit na inggit ka na sa mga kabatchmates mong competitive na sa corporate world. Sa mga naging collegues ko na kahit di naman top sa class, may magandang work. Up to now feeling zombie pa rin ako realizing how awful it is looking for fulfillment after so long long years ago. I’ve always known myself to be a go-getter person, chasing after her dreams, and was always born ready.  I always wanted to become an Architect. Yes, an architect. Pero low self-esteem nga siguro ako not believing on what can I do beyond my skills and talents that God has given me. Parang Lord, correct me ha if I’m wrong, na nagagalit ka kase I’m not using these talents to earn a living. You able me to do these and those things na di magagawa ng iba basta-basta, pero I choose to be lenient and choose the middle road na kung saan yung mga pumapasok, hindi na nakakabalik at super na-disappoint na rin to prove themselves. Moreover, they find themselves stucked sa kung saan na parang hindi na sila makakaalis ever. And I agree, I was one of them. 

I’m an average person. Hindi mataas ang IQ ko. Di rin naman ako kagandahan to prove anything. Siguro minsan ginusto ko rin ang magingh artista once in a while. Ginusto ko rin maging Astronaut at Scuba Diver sa ilalalim ng mga dreams ko. Or sa dinami-rami ng gusto ko noon, walang natupad. Walang na-achieve. Ang alam ko di naman ako babagsakin sa class nga e. I am a regular student. I passed all of my subjects to bring ho,e the sweetest grades na ikakaproud ng parents ko. Pero, anong nangyari? Parang nagging failure lang lahat ng nagging decision ko o sadyang din a ko nakausad sa past na, sana I still have my dad who is my Superman. Who is capable enough to provide us a living. Who is able to let me finish my studies and pursue my dreams and be successful with my chosen career.

to be continued..

25 going 26. Realizations before I turned a year wiser again.

This was planned last year before I turn 25. 

 

 I learned that life like Math, should always be in its simplest form. Things that are complicated are harder to solve. Life is beautiful. Learn to enjoy it to the fullest. I learned that nothing beats the simplicity of life in its fullest and most endearing scene eyes can’t record. Walkathon, No gadgets,  just you and God. 

I learned that Family is still the best support group a person can have. The best gift that the Father gave us. I may not be the sweetest daughter a mother and a father can have, not the super coolest ate in the whole wide world but definitely I am a one of a kind princess born in a almost perfect family blessed by Father God.

I learned that nothing beats the beauty of nature in its most glorious way created by the Father. It is a gift that we should always appreciate. How I am blessed with the capacity to appreciate the beauty of everything that surrounds us that may affect any split of a second momentum. Beaches, The stars, trails and even one person’s beauty.

 I learned that saying “Thank you” is the best form of appreciation and affirmation. Not everyone can be thankful of what they have. Not every people you meet is kind and can understand the things that you are going through. Not all people are happy and not all people are positive. But these 2 powerful words can make any person’s identity. Because in every person’s journey, Thank you is such a great help.

 I learned that people has always the habit of passing by in our lives. They don’t intend to leave; they don’t even intend to hurt us. It is just part of His ultimate plan to train us in the so-called life. But I believe that forever exist to those who believe in it. We may not push them to stay but definitely we can give them thousands even million of reasons to stay. Holding on and acceptance go hand by hand.

  

 I learned that being selfish is not bad at all. Especially when its time to give back to yourself because even you deserves all the best things in the world but with a big warning not to take people for granted for best things are not the best when not shared.

  

 I learned that Sleeping, Traveling, Eating, Watching TV and Writing stuffs is the best way to relax and find time to reconnect yourself back to its normal mode because as we grow up, we sometimes lessen the time doing these things.

  

 I learned that don’t’ ever let your passion wear out by things that usually change, the things that usually hurts us and the things that usually frustrate us. Remember that it will still always your choice to make things possible. Just pray harder.

 I learned that I may not be a graduate student but my parents are definitely proud of me. I believe that like graduate students, I am competitive enough to face every challenge life has to offer. I am blessed with the knowledge and wisdom to help me go through life.

 I learned to believe that Father God always gives rewards to those who choose to love without anything in return.

 I believe that loving yourself first before loving others would be the first step in every relationship. You cannot share anything that you don’t have.

 I learned that smile is the best outfit one can have. Don’t ever forget to wear it in public because you don’t know who falls for it or others use it as their strength.

  

 I learned that life is a cycle. You are part of life’s chain system. Don’t be a reason of someone else’s sadness. Learn to say “Sorry” in whatever circumstance it is. It is always better to forgive others and forgiving yourself as well.

 I learned that falling in love should always take time and it should also be part of the Father’s plan. Because love is gift that we should never rush. It will sometimes bear a lot of pain, struggles and hoping but rest assured that in God’s perfect way, He will let me meet my prince charming, my right one in His most admirable way. Because being single is not bad after all. Patience is virtue. The beauty of waiting is all worth it.

  

 I learned that humans are born inconsistent. Not knowing things that may hurt other people. Its really a human nature. So in short, don’t expect too much.

 I learned that our lives should be driven with passion, purpose and praise. Its not hard to find happiness if you know how to find and fight for it. But there are a lot of pre-cautions before grabbing that happiness. So just be careful what we wish for.

  

 I learned that we should always exert effort on making our loved ones happy in whatever circumstance it is. It’s our major accountability and responsibility in this life.

 I learned that acceptance is the key to every heartaches. Moving on is crucial but it’s the best part.

  

 I learned that being emo is as bad as it is. It will just make you helpless sadness after sadness. Life is fun if we just find out how.

 I learned that we always need to ask Serenity to accept the things we can’t change, Courage to change the things we can and Wisdom to know the difference, in this life would stay at peace.

I learned that patience is a virtue. Nothing beats the beauty of waiting and giving it to you in the most special moment.

 I learned that we should always pursue our heart’s desires. No matter what circumstance it is.

 I learned that the best thing to serve God is to rest yourself.

  

 I leaned that every show must go on no matter how painful the journey is. Ask for His guidance. Every pain is all worth it.

 In this 25 years of my life. Being grateful is the key to happiness. Lord, thank you for the life that You gave me. I will always be grateful for any circumstance, for every struggle, for every pain cause I know that in time Your plans are greater than my plans. 

That heartbeat matters.

Goodmorning world,
Goodmorning to the kid with no work.

Ughhh. I'm a bit no direction as I started this new journey 2 months ago. While silently listening to this module called "How to Invite" merely about network marketing strategies. I'm in the middle of conversing to myself of how getting things done my own hard way, NO! my own easier way please?

Last weekend was not that blast. Initial meetings done. Mass service checked. Walang super service na papagurin ka maghapon. Wala pa dahil lahat yun paparating pa lang. Rest yourself my child, yun ang sabi ni Lord. You are burnt-out of the things that worried you too much these past couple of months now. You need to recover from things that's hurting you. You need to revive the passion again. You need to see again the princess that I always loved in you. You need to show them that I have this great kid, no, I would like to call it my Lady. You need again to surrender you beliefs in me so that I may be able to pour greater and bigger blessings. You need to regain your energy so that I may use you to many missions that I may leading you. You need to strengthen yourself more for I will sending you to any places you never imagined. You need to restart so I would be able to use you to different exciting missions not just for Central 1 but to activities you never imagined you will be part of. Fine, Lord. Let me just restart my goals again. Construct my dreams once more. I know naman na You will not let me in this agony forever.


As I sit in this table in front of the computer and sill listening to this audio training Elaine has told me to listen to, and replying o fb messages, I felt na ambilis nga talaga ng oras. Kulang nga ata ang 24 hours in a day.

Grateful me :)

I am definitely one of the hundred YFC before na nattakot mag-Crossover to SFC. Part of it is yung malaking takot na baka di matapatan ng SFC ang YFC experiences ko. But the Great God prove me I'm wrong with my idea. When I cross to SFC, it was again another life changing decision. I bought myself back to service which I long for quite sometime before ako mag-SFC. I became an SFC during the time that I was journeying again to find everything.

Thanks to Elaine (nagkabangaan lang kami yata nun sa my Paciano chapel) who invited me to CLP. To my dearest team leads Pepz and Ate April. To my faci ate Fritze. At kay Kuya Dennis. To all the service team that time, Kuya Armand Kuya Kitzat Mareng Cheanne, KLang, Michelle, Ate Ellen at Ramona. Thank you! Kahit na hindi pa 100% ang heart ko joining SFC that time. But then you all proved me that taking SFC as another leap to my service life is another path with the Father.

SFC taught me how to take life seriously with fun. I had my 2nd family. Great sets of friends and titaos and titas. Pretty sisses and poging brothers.

And sharing it to my fellow YFC who also had the guts of also taking the another leap to cross to SFC.

My besties Lyka and Ardyey.
My little sibs Noem, Pi, Anton, Daryl, Etchut, Meecko, Drofelc, Arturo, Ebbe, Nelle, Jay at si Bebe Miles who I also shared the same fun experiences with the Lord during YFC. And not just me but madami na talaga tayong ngpupursue ng Crossover mission.

I will always be grateful to be part of this growing communtiy especially my SFC Central 1 Family. Truly that the Lord uses us again and again and again for us to share His word to the world again and again. His greatness will always shine sa bawat isa sa tin. Let's keep the faith shining for others to be able to see Him through us. Indeed I am always blessed for I was able to blessed other through my own litliest ways.

I am Yan Abarra,
Proud SFC Central 1